You Might Be An Internet Dweeb, if

Work bytes:
  you spend more time on the Internet than you do on your work.
  you work 60+ hours per week, get paid for 40, and think you're a wizard.
  your proudest moment is finding your own bug in the lastest software release.
  you can program a computer but can't operate a copying machine.
  you can program a computer but can't drive a stick sift.
  you can send email to 20 million addresses but can't locate the closest
    post office.
  you can rattle off your email address but don't know your ZIP code.
  you attend conferences to restock your pens, add to your cup collection,
    replace your ragged can cooler and eat "free" lunches.
  your company has a 3-piece dress code, so you wear a T-shirt, shorts
     and flip-flops.
  you like working for companies that build todays software solutions tomorrow
    with yesterdays tools.

Take a byte:
  you eat more twinkies per day than you weigh.
  you eat sushi twice a week, but don't date.
  you have a jar of peanut butter and a box of crackers in your desk draw.
  breakfast consists of a bagel and coke.
  breakfast is at 11AM.
  lunch consists of a submarine sandwich and coke.
  lunch is at 4PM.
  dinner consists of a frozen dinner and coke.
  dinner is at 11PM.
  you eat more food from the vending machine than from the grocery store.
  you think a Milky Way is a nutrition bar.

Get a life:
  you have computer marketing posters hanging in your bedroom.
  you come home to your computer.
  you spend endless hours agrueing about politics but are not a registered
    voter.
  you throw a party to celebrate a new software game you bought.
  you go to bed at 3AM and get up at 10AM.
  you go to bed after saying the Star Fleet pledge and tucking your life
    size plow up Spock in bed.
  your daily entertainment is reading Netnews for 3 hours.
  your exercise program includes walking to the restroom.
  your friends are electronic mail addresses who you've never met in person.
  you wake up dreaming about Bill Gates.
  you wake up dreaming about looking at X-rated GIFS on your new SVGA monitor.
  you wake up dreaming about your new hard disk.
  you wake up depressed about the bugs in your software.
  you never sell old computer hardware because it might become an valuable
    antique.
  you own 5 home computers and only one works.
  you buy the latest, fastest, largest, greatest PC so you can play games
    at home.
  you spend more time reading news (netnews) than you do programming.
  you think you're a qualified environmentalist because you read enviro
    newsgroups.
  you think your social status is judged by how-many e-mail addresses
    you have.

So you're a little slow:
  you realize DOS stands for Dense Operating System.
  you realize WNT is VMS one step better.
  you realize HAL (in 2001) is IBM one step back.
  you realize IBM stands for Imbocils Buy Me.
  you realize VMS stands for Virtual Mimicking System.
  you realize e-mail stands for Electronic Mail.
  you realize the Internet is a large conglomeration of networks.
  you realize the big 3 long distance carriers don't provide better long
    distance service than the smaller carriers.
  you realize a fax machine is NOT the smartest way to send a letter.

A bit of romance:
  you think a hot date means she understands ones-compliment.
  you take your date to Quick Wok for Valentines.
  your wife tells you she's leaving you and you go post a note to netnews
    for help.
  you think a great pick-up line is "Hey babe, wanna come over and see my
    new Pentium!"
  your requirements for a mate are, must were glasses, use a pocket
    protector, and have Von Neuman's Revenge memorized. 
  you get excited by seeing a women replace hardware boards in your computer.
  your monthly CompuServ bill exceeds your total annual dating expenses.
  you break up with your cybergirl because she won't switch from CompuServ
    to America On-Line.
  you break up with your cyberboy because he won't switch from AT&T to MCI.
  you name your new computer after your last girlfriend.


Definitions:

  Disk Jockey   - The little pilot that guides the heads on a disk drive,
                  dodging smoke particles and other debris to prevent head
                  crashes.
  cyberite      - Someone totally engulfed with online computer social life,
                  i.e. reads netnews news groups, or uses CompuServ or AOL
                  a majority of his/her awakened hours.
  technobabble  - A new language that incorporates higly technical terms
                  and acronyms into everyday communications.    
  technoid      - A highly technical person who loses contact with reality.
                  Only speaks technobabble.
  technogarb    - Electronic junk you think makes your life better.
  VDT envy      - a psychelogical problem caused by working with
                  people that have larger Video Display Terminals (Computer
                  Monitors) than you.
  pecker envy   - a psychelogical problem caused by working with
	          people who can type faster than you.  Severe cases have
                  caused suffers to pour beverages on the victims keyboards.
  crotch rocket - a motorcycle, dweebs seem to like these things.

ACRONYMS:
  If you didn't know what some of the technobabble acronyms mean here's
  your very own guide.

  Acronym- Definition     - Example Use
  DD	 - Double Density - Your supervisor is DD.
  SD	 - Single Density - Your secretary is only SD.
  HD	 - High Density   - Your manager is HD.
  FD	 - Floppy Drive   - Your boy friend has a floopy drive and should
                            be replaced.
  HD	 - Hard Drive     - Your boy friend has a hard drive for
                            football, not you.
  CPU	 - Centeral Processing Unit - Your CPU (brain) seems to be fried.
  IBM	 - Ineffiecient But Marketable
  IBM    - I've Been Mugged
  IBM    - I've Been Malled
  IBM    - I've Been Misled
  VMS	 - Very Mangled System
  VMS	 - Very Misinformed Seniors
  DOS	 - Dense Operating System
  MS-DOS - Massively Stupid-Dense Operating System
  CPM	 - Can't Market Me
  NT	 - Not There
  NT	 - Not Today
  NT	 - Not Tested
  WNT	 - VMS one step forward.
  WNT	 - Will Not Talk

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