You Might Be An Urbanite/City Slicker If ...

Ruff'n it! (CAMPING)
   you think ruff'n it means staying at a Holiday Inn.
   you think Coleman is another word for fireman on a train.
   you think Ice chests are barbaric inventions.
   you think all tents are suppose to fit on your bed.

Rug Rats (CHILDREN)
   your kids think breakfast is served at McDonald's.
   your kids think the park and McDonald's are the same place.
   your kids think school is a day care.
   your kids think soft drinks are a major part of a nutritional diet.
   your kids think soft drinks are one of the main food groups.
   your kids think video games are a learning tool.
   your kids think ping-pong is a boring video game.
   your kids think motorcycle riding is done at the arcade.
   your kids think your car has a tiger in the tank.
   your kids think turtles live in the sewer.
   your kids think Superman lives in NY.
   your kids think Gotham is a large city.
   your kids think Barney is a real dinosaur.
   your kids ride the bus 4 blocks to school.
   your kids think Mom's best dish is Domino's Pizza.
   your kids think Dad's best burgers are The Brown Bag Special.

Being Philisophical (COMMUTING)
   you think living 50 minutes from work is "the life".
   you think four wheel drive is required for easier commuting.
   you get angry with the person in front of you for not running the red
     light causing you to smear your make-up.
   you think everyone is an idiot at the light for honking, when you've
     left your cup on top of your car.
   you drive on the shoulder so you can pass everyone else to get to work
     earlier.
   you drive in the slow lane on your way home.
   you don't car pool because you want to drive your own car to work since
     you work 8 to 5, but so do the car pool riders too!
   you think your favorite gasoline is better than the rest.

Gaining an Edge (EDUCATION)
   you think school is a less expensive form of day care.
   you think school is were kids are taught discipline.
   you think discipline is sending your kids to their room to play
     video games.
   you think common sense is common.
   you think having a good memory makes you a smart person.
   you think a college education makes you smart.

Know'in 'bout basics (FARM/RANCH)
   you think the government should own all the farm and ranch land.
   you think the government should subsidize farming.
   you think the farmer has a easy life.
   you think all ranchers rich and arrogant.
   you think dairy farms are were ice cream is made.
   you think milk is still milked by hand.
   you think hogs are dirty, fat, and stupid animals.
   you think all Bubba's are dirty, fat, and stupid animals.

Socking away big money (FINANCIAL)
   you think using your Visa to payoff your MasterCard is wise investing.
   you lie to your insurance company and think your cheating them.
   you think the lottery will make you rich.
   you live in an apartment and own a $20,000 boat.
   you live in an apartment and own a $2,000 bicycle.
   you attend church to meet business prospects.
   being a church deacon means better insider trading information.
   your investment portfolio is at Myrill Lynch.
   you measure success by the type of car you drive.

Where am I (GEOGRAPHY)
   you think Ohio is on the east coast.
   you think Washington, D.C. is not attached to the continental U.S.
   you think Texas is the largest state in the U.S.
   you think the Grand Canyon is in New York.
   you think Pikes Peak is the tallest mountain in the world.

Keeping Fit (HEALTH)
   you think eating eggs causes your cholesterol to rise.
   you think paying to exercise is a wise way to stay healthy.
   you think channel flipping is a form of exercise.
   you think the government should administer health care.
   you think the FDA should require prescriptions for vitamins and minerals.
   you think meat causes cancer.
   you think vegetarians live longer.
   you think "FAT FREE" means no calories.
   you think no sugar means its a diet food.

When did that happen (HISTORY)
   you think America fought the French in the revolutionary war.
   you think the battle of Midway was fought in Kansas.
   you think America nuked the Germans.
   you think Texas became a state in 1836.
   you think Columbus landed in Florida.
   you think Marco Polo was a great painter.
   you think Greek and Roman mythology is a myth.

Castle moves (HOME)
   you think your yard requires a riding lawn mower.
   you think you need to purchase a chain saw to trim your trees.
   you use your garage as a self-storage unit.
   you buy consumer products and store them in a self-storage unit.
   you think renting a self-storage unit shows your moving up.
   you do yard work to get a tan.
   you do yard work to lose weight.
   you don't depreciate your major appliances but you save for your next
     super bowl party.

Tooling around (MECHANICAL)
   you think your automobile has a motor under the hood.
   you think gasoline comes from tanker trucks.
   you think the bigger your car tires the fast you go.
   you think you have to put lighter fluid on your gas grill to light it.
   you don't know how to drive a manual shift transmission. 

This is just gunna sting a little (MEDICAL)
   you think your doctor will cure your cold.
   you think most doctors think of you before their payment.
   you think all doctors are wise.
   you think it won't cost much.
   you think because you have complete insurance it doesn't cost you anything.

Uh, where are we. (MISCELLANEOUS)
   you think $16 for a hair cut is a bargain.

Save the earth (NATURE/ENVIRONMENT)
   you think all the forests are disappearing.
   you think the world can't support more people.
   you think the world has been paved over.
   you think the ozone hole is always growing.
   you think environmentalist use common sense.
   you call your next door neighbor a Bambi butcher for hunting deer.
   you think you're a qualified environmentalist because you subscribe
     to national geographic.
   you think there's no more land for homes.

Will that make me smarter (NUTRITION)
   you think milk comes from the grocery store!
   you think fruit grows in display bins.
   you think bacon comes from a plastic bag.
   you think hot dogs are a form of nutrition.
   you think frozen dinners are a good dinner.
   you think soft drinks are a part of a nutritional diet.
   you think Spaghetti Warehouse serves "great" italian food.
   you think Red Lobster serves "great" seafood.

I promise (POLITICS)
   you spend endless hours arguing about politics but are not a
     registered voter.
   you think Jim Beam was a great statesman.
   you think FDR brought us out of the depression.
   you think JFK was a great statesman.
   you think LBJ was a great Texan.
   you think guns kill people.
   you vote for the best looking candidate.

We'll do it by yesterday (PROFESSION)
   you think Federal Express and UPS are government agencies.
   you think a farm is where you take your kids to pet animals.
   you think a ranch is where you take a vacation.
   you attend church to meet business prospects.

Man, was that fun or what! (RECREATION)
   you think spending more time cleaning your pool than swimming in it
     is fun.
   you think 12 hours at a theme park is great family time.
   you think a TV in the children's room is a great idea.
   you think a 12 pack, a 1lb bag of chips and a ball game is "it".
   you want to know how the Bald Eagles know when to arrive for bird
     watching time.
   you want to know what time they turn Niagara Falls off and on each
     day.

God told me, personally! (RELIGION)
   you think Moses sailed the ark.
   you think Gepetto was swallowed by the whale.
   you attend church to get dates.
   you attend church to be a softball pro.
   you attend church so you can attend parties.
   being a church deacon means insider trading information.
   you know other Christian denominations are idiots, but have never been
     to their church.
   you know people of other religions are idiots, but have never studied
     them.
   you think all "Christians" follow Christ.

I can prove it! (SCIENCE)
   you thank Babbage was some big farmer.
   you think electricity is generated by a wall plug.
   you think plastic comes from the farm.
   you think you can compress water.
   you believe everything Carl Sagan says.
     if you believe anything Carl Sagan says.
   you think the Russians were in a space race with the U.S.

Not tonight, honey (SEX LIFE)
   you play city league sports to avoid having sex.
   you think a drink is required to ask a girl out.
   you think a sports car will get you "lucky".
   you think a 12 pack of condoms is a years supply.
   you think casual sex is only on Saturday.
   you think good sex is not having the kids knocking on the door the
     entire time.
   you think a great date is sitting in a movie theater watching Bambi.
   you use the VCR as a means of "privacy" from you kids for you and your
     spouse.

Do tell, sweetheart! (SOCIAL LIFE)
   you think a redneck, a Bubba, and hillbilly are all the same.
   you use a mobile phone to call your wife to tell her your pulling
     into the drive way.
   you buy the latest PC for your kids to do their home work.
   you buy the latest PC to write your Christmas letter.
   you think individual 1.4 floppy disk cases are necessary.
   you think owning a BMW makes you look rich.
   you think owning a two story house with no kids is intelligent.
   you think driving 30 miles one-way to work is trendy.
   you think a socialist is someone who attends social gatherings.
   you think sitting on your back porch looking at the neighbors back
     yard drinking a Heineken is relaxing.
   you think having a security alarm for your house is prestigious.
   you name your male dog Lassie.
   you name your female dog Rex.
   you name your male cat Prissy.
   you name your female cat Tom.
   you think Beverly Hills is the place to be.

Technogarb!  (TECHNOLOGY)
  you think electronics make for a better life.
  you think the big 3 long distance carriers provide better long
    distance service than the smaller carriers.
  you think a fax machine is the smartest way to send a letter.
  you think E-mail is something new from MicroSoft.
  you think cable TV is a phenominal technological breakthrough.
  you think the information superhighway is something Clinton/Gore
    thought up.
  you think a shoe dryer that uses 100% air to dry your shoes is a must buy!

I owe, I owe (WORK)
  you think your work is important.
  you don't see how the company would survive without your talented services.
  you spend more time at the coffee machine than at your desk.
  you consider changing careers until you realize you might have to engage
    a neuron!
  you get excited about free food in the break room.
  you consider donuts a fringe benefit.
  you go out for lunch everyday and wonder why you never have any money.
  you think your "effective" date was the day you started your new job.

MISC
  bubbaite   - a farm boy (bubba) that's moved to town.
  buburbian  - an urbanite that's moved to the country.
  stickbian  - an urbanite that's moved out in the sticks.
  cyberite   - someone totally engulfed with online computer social life.

  technoid   - a highly technical person who loses contact with reality.
  technogarb - Electronic junk you think makes your life better.
  VDT envy   - you suffer from working with people that have larger
               Video Display Terminals (Computer Monitors) than you.

This document may be electronically distributed without charge as long as the copyright notice is included.
Personal use copies may be printed and reproduced.  It may not be
sold without the prior written consent of the author. 

Copyright © 1995-2003 eGrip